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I get a restless feeling a lot these days. I want to something but can't sit down to do it. I have become more impatient. My thoughts are always flitting around the place not making much sense. Where I used to be able to command myself to do something now my mind says, "No! No! No!" and hops off on a pogo stick to some other random place making me go with it.

I'm struggling to write this post at the minute. It doesn't want me to confront it. It wants me to go to bed and have a wank. Well, that can wait. I want to be more disciplined and that's going to take hard slog. Why can't this shit be easy?

I suppose it wouldn't be worth it then. I need to calm myself down and focus on the moment not the outcome of my actions. Because if I don't act now, there won't be any outcome. I want discipline but there's a huge part of me that doesn't. Even when I sit down to write I don't put in as much effort as I could. I think it's good enough that I'm doing something while others do nothing but it's not enough!

You may think since I regularly update this blog that I have a good amount of discipline but the truth is that it is itself becoming a distraction from my other work. I can do nothing all day and then do my blog post at night and it's still a good day. That's how I think and it's wrong.

I believe I have unbelievable talent and have the potential to achieve great things but I don't believe I will have the courage to fulfill that potential. Is there a point in saying I will overcome the demon inside me holding me back when I don't know what's on the other side of that? When I scared to find out? The person who'd emerge would be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to face him.

Sometimes I wish I'd be in a major accident where I have a near death experience. I think this would be the only way to spur me on to live life to the fullest. Isn't that a fucked up paradox? I want to do something worthwhile so badly that I'd be willing to almost die to get myself to do it.Yet, if I want it so badly to contemplate this then why can't I just go ahead and do it?

I need to get better, I will get better, I will get better. A positive mental attitude will work, it has to fucking work.